Why I Have Learned to Love My Boundaries
Sweetie knows how to set boundaries. No touchy!
I didn’t always like boundaries, but that was because I was focused on people pleasing and perfectionism, rather than my own needs. I used to say yes to everything. Every favor, every commitment, every social obligation that felt vaguely uncomfortable to decline. And I told myself this was being a good friend/daughter/partner. What I didn’t see was that this compulsive yes-saying was less about generosity and more about fear. My fear of disappointing people, fear of being seen as difficult, and fear of being left out.
What a Boundary Actually Is
That which serves to indicate the bounds or limits of anything whether material or immaterial; also the limit itself. (First used in 1626.)
Oxford English Dictionary
A boundary is not a wall or a barrier. It is not a retaliation, a rejection, or a sign that something is wrong. A boundary is a declaration of what you need in order to show up — for yourself, for others, for the life you’re building. It takes a great deal of self-knowledge and courage to set boundaries.
It took me quite a few years to learn not only why setting boundaries was so important for my mental health, but also how to set them. Setting clear demarcations helped me do away with the anger and resentment I felt when I said yes to something I didn’t want to do. It helped me show up authentically as myself, pour my energy into community and the things that fill my cup. Most importantly it meant I was communicating more effectively with the people in my life.
I strongly feel that when I say no to the things that don’t align with me, my energy level and values, then I am saying yes to the things, and people, that I truly love and that light me up.
A boundary I have been struggling with recently is around what I am physically able to do. I was in a car accident many years ago and I shattered my left tibia and fibula. It’s held together now with two titanium plates and ten screws. Over the years the arthritis in that leg has become, well, really bad, and my daily pain level is about a six. I have certain things that cause too much pain and I can’t do but I’m not good at telling people that. So I do them, and then I can’t walk the next day. Or, if I do say I can’t do that because it hurts, I overshare and then I feel guilt and shame.
And then I remembered boundaries. I have to set some boundaries around what I physically cannot do and communicate what they are without the need to over explain. Realizing this felt freeing. It means I can say no to doing the things that make it so I can’t walk the next day without the guilt and shame.
All of that to say this work isn’t easy. It’s on going and challenging. But at the end of the day boundaries have taught me what I actually value. You learn surprisingly little about yourself when you say yes to everything. But say no to something — really sit with the discomfort of it — and you discover exactly what you were protecting.
I also love them because my yeses mean something. When I say yes now, it is not out of guilt or habit or fear of missing out. It is a deliberate, intentional, and wholehearted agreement. Those yeses are the ones that help me build and nurture my relationships and my creative life.
Build a fence. With love,
Kandy
Life Coaching
If you want to find out more about what how Life Coaching can help, please sign up for a free half hour Curiosity Call. You can ask all the questions you have to learn about how Life Coaching can help you.
Etymology
If you are as interested as I am in the etymology of words, here’s the history of the word boundary from the Oxford English Dictionary
1626 Corruption is a Reciprocall to Generation: And they Two, are as Natures two Termes or Bundaries.
F. Bacon, Sylua Syluarum §328
1690 The simple Ideas, we receive from Sensation and Reflection, are the Boundaries of our Thoughts.
J. Locke, Essay Humane Understanding ii. xxiii. 146
1751. Providence has fixed the limits of human enjoyment by immoveable boundaries.
S. Johnson, Rambler No. 178. ⁋3
1860. The dots representing the boundaries of the ridges.
J. Tyndall, The Glaciers of the Alps i. §6. 43
Vulnerability
Sometimes I want to hide in my shell.
I’m sure I am not the only one struggling with the state of our world right now. I don’t know if I have any great chunks of wisdom to give you, but I thought I would share what has been helping me.
I am a Cancer Sun, Leo Moon and a Cancer Rising. I included the picture of a little hermit crab here because the crab represents Cancer in the Zodiac. That means I take all of the traits of a Cancer- being a homebody, caring for people, holding a grudge until the end of time, very intuitive and empathetic, moody and kind of doesn’t like strangers- and I multiply them! Then you add that Leo Moon, which is warm, generous, kind and caring and also self-centered and stubborn, and well you have a bundle full of a lot of feelings.
I share that to say when I feel threatened, I retreat. My feelings overwhelm me and I withdraw from people and doing the things that I love. I’m very grateful that my friends know this about me and still reach out even when I’m trying to hide away. Y’all right about now with this current news cycle I’m feeling threatened and I want to hide away. I want to wrap my heart in bubble wrap, build a little refuge and hide away from the world.
One of my core personality traits is that I care and I want to help. It’s a huge reason why I became a life coach. It also means that I can’t avoid the pain of the world. Taking care of something or someone else is a great way to get you out of your head space. Adopting Sweetie was one of the best things I did because it meant on the days I just couldn’t, that I still got up and took care of this chaotic little being. Is there something or someone you can take care of? Even watering the plants helps me feel like I’m nurturing something outside myself. Is there a friend that you know has been struggling, well reach out to them. Is there somewhere you can volunteer? If people aren’t your thing, go look into an animal shelter. It doesn’t have to be a big huge gesture, just something small.
The other thing I would suggest is to be open. When you are with people you trust, or in spaces you trust, stay open and vulnerable. It is easier to shut yourself off from the pain, but we have to feel the pain and process it (which FYI is the thing I hate doing most). It’s what makes us human. It is what makes us care for the people, community and the world around us.
I often share parts of my story that can be hard to tell. The reason I tell my story is because it often resonates with someone else. I’ve had many people tell me, sometimes years later, that hearing my story helped them know they weren’t alone. I am not the poster child for surviving trauma, but I have made it through and I think sometimes people need to see that. I shared something very vulnerable the other day on instagram because I needed to channel my rage. Here is the post if you are interested (trigger warnings SA).
I realized later that what made that post resonate and feel strong, was partly my strong language, but also my vulnerability. My ability to take my story and share it in order for others to know what women are dealing with, and also in the hope that someone hears my story and it helps them.
If you are struggling, I see you. The world is especially heavy lately. Find something small to care for and keep your heart open.
With love,
Kandy
Rest
Sweetie doesn’t feel the need to earn her rest!
One little word that feels so loaded. I’m grateful that we’ve started to move away from hustle culture and to recognize that maybe we aren’t meant to be working constantly. I don’t need to girl boss any harder, thank you very much.
You know what I absolutely suck at? Resting. It’s like the phrase “idle hands are the devil’s playground” is baked into my bones. Nobody every said that to me, but it is something I have internalized and have had to work hard to let go.
Nothing like getting sick to force one to have to rest. I hated it. Lol. I got bowled over with some fever flu thing last week and I had to call in sick to work and I had to cancel my weekend plans. There is nothing I hate more then cancelling on people, but unless they wanted to share in my misery there was nothing I could do.
Part of the time I slept, and I didn’t really have a choice in the matter. The other part of the time I struggled with myself to just rest and be. There was much reading done, much bad tv watching done (y’all Love is Blind Habibi is a trip) and very little accomplished.
While my rest over the last week was in order to recuperate. It made me stop and think about how to incorporate rest into my life on the daily and the weekly. What could it look like?
Daily Rest Ideas (20-30 minutes):
Reading
Crafting
Roll around on the floor yoga (gentle or restorative yoga)
Tarot pull
Weekend Rest Ideas (as much time as you have possible):
Naps
Puttering (this is where I go around the house and fix or tweak things)
Bigger Chunks of Crafting time
Walk by the lake or a bike ride
Social media break
I think journaling and meditation are often mentioned as ways to rest but I find I resist them pretty strongly. If these work for you, then great, but also there may be other things that you find more restful.
What do you find restful?
Wishing you a peaceful weekend,
Kandy
So Apparently There's a Word for People Like Us-Multipotentialite
A few of my favorite things
You may be wondering what is a multipotentialite?
A multipotentialite is someone with many interests and creative pursuits — someone who doesn't have One True Calling, and who maybe never will, and who is actually fine about it once they stop apologizing for it or beating themself up over it.
English major here, so I always want to start with the word itself. "Multi" is obvious. But "potentialite" — it's about potential. Plural potential. The idea that you could go in many directions, and that this isn't indecision, it's capacity.
"The question was never 'why can't you focus?' It was always 'why are you trying to be one thing when you were built to be several?'"
Emilie Wapnick, who popularized the term, gave a TED Talk about it that's been watched something like 9 million times. Which tells you how many people heard it and went: oh thank goodness, it's not just me.
The "pick one thing" myth
Here's what I think is really going on. We built a lot of our institutions — school, career ladders, LinkedIn profiles — around the idea of specialization. Go deep. Stay in your lane. Become the foremost expert in a very specific thing.
And that genuinely works for some people! Specialists are wonderful and necessary. I am not knocking the specialists.
But it is not the only valid shape for your life. And we've been so focused on the specialist model that people who don't fit it end up feeling like they're failing — when really they're just playing a different game that nobody told them had a name.
The classic knock is "jack of all trades, master of none." But the saying originally was “jack of all trades” full stop. It originally was meant to be high praise!
What we're actually good at
Multipotentialites tend to be fast learners — not because we're naturally smarter, but because we've learned how to learn. Every new interest was once completely foreign territory. We've done this before. We know how to be a beginner without falling apart about it. (Mostly.)
We're also really good at translation — moving between disciplines, between people, between ideas that have never been introduced to each other. That's not nothing. That's actually quite rare.
Every random thing has lead to this path
I wouldn’t be good at my day job if I hadn’t decided to open a business years ago. All of the tips and tricks and project management software I’ve learned about have lead me to being really good at operations.
Along with that all of my interests, whether it is sewing, perfume, textiles, project management software, DIY or taking a job in Iraq have lead me to where I am today. Smart, capable and lead by curiosity. Oh! And I have a lot of great stories to tell.
I'm a life coach, and I can help you with this
Here's the thing — I didn't just stumble onto the word multipotentialite and feel better and move on. I've spent a lot of time working through what it actually means to build a life around this, and I do that work with my coaching clients too.
Because knowing you're a multipotentialite is one thing. Figuring out how to stop explaining yourself, find work that actually fits, and trust the nonlinear path you're on? That takes a little more than a TED Talk.
If you've been sitting with this feeling that you're too scattered, too restless, a failure because you start things but don’t finish them — I want you to know you're not alone. And if you want some help figuring out what to do with all of that, I'm here for it.
I've spent years feeling like I couldn't commit to one thing. Turns out that's kind of the whole point.
Life Coaching
If you want to find out more about what how Life Coaching can help, please sign up for a free half hour Curiosity Call. You can ask all the questions you have to learn about how Life Coaching can help you.
It’s ok to suck at something
I read this article “Why Sucking at Your Hobby Could be a Secret Weapon” and I may have fist punched into the air “YES!” Because yes it is!
I also love that Tanner breaks down the history of the word hobby a) because the definition is brilliant and b) I’m an English major.
“Let’s consider the word first: hobby. Funny little word. It sounds childish, and that’s because it is. Back in the 1400s, the word “hobi” was a nickname for a small, active horse. As the centuries went by, the word was clumped with horse to form “hobbyhorse,” the name for that iconic children’s toy: a long stick with a horse’s head attached to it.
Kids rode these pretend horses for centuries, and the activity became associated with a kind of blissfully pointless diversion. Eventually the first half of the word broke free. Hobby came to describe an “activity that doesn’t go anywhere.”
Hobby’s are supposed to interesting, engaging and somewhat relaxing. I call it puttering. Just zoning out, not with the purpose of getting anything done, but to let my mind disengage. In this day and age of everyone telling you to monetize your hobby it can sometimes be hard to remember that.
The picture above is probably around the 20th pot I made and I can tell you that functionally it is a pot but man it is not a good piece of pottery. It weighs about 5 pounds because it takes a ton of practice to have smooth bottoms and sides to your pots. My bottom heavy bowls are great as water bowls for Sweetie because she can’t pick them up and throw them around (a favorite bunny past time). Oh and I totally killed that plant.
I’ve been sewing since I was about seven so it is second nature to me. I also crochet, weave and embroider. I craft a lot. My first pottery class left me almost in tears. My brain felt all wrong and twisted and my hands did not do the right thing. I did not want to go back. But I did and little by little I got better and I started to enjoy it. I still sucked at it but I was having fun.
Go make something and if you suck at it, that’s ok.
Screw the Lemonade
Screw the Lemonade
Y’all there is a real reason why I named my workshop Screw the Lemonade: How to Get Sh*t Done While Overwhelmed and Anxious. The phrase ‘When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade” honestly pisses me off. It’s supposed to inspire optimism and a can do attitude. But, sometimes that is hard to find. Also, any time I hear that I want to ask, but where am I getting the sugar? And the water? And the pitcher? And, and, and?
Sometimes when I’m down in it and somebody is like ‘there’s always tomorrow’, or ‘smile’, or ‘cheer up’. It doesn’t help. At all. In fact the disconnect from what I am feeling and my ability to smile is about as wide as the Grand Canyon. Now, I’m feeling even more despair because I can’t be like normal people, oh, and I’m also really pissed off at the person who is trying to fake cheer me up.
People are starting to understand that positivity isn’t always the answer, and in fact the phrase toxic positivity has been used to describe that fake cheer up mentality.
Toxic positivity is a cultural force that reinforces: “If you believe it you can achieve it!” “The only thing in your way is you!” “The key to success is a positive mindset!”… Toxic Positivity leaves us feeling alone, and disconnected. It stops us from communicating. It stifles creativity and change. It silences people.
Whitney Goodman
Instead of going from zero to hero, you need to build a ladder first. If you find yourself struggling it helps to acknowledge the feeling. As someone who does everything they can to avoid having a feeling believe me, I know! But, it really does help to stop and say well crap, I feel sad/angry/frustrated/depressed/anxious/shameful, or whatever feeling is coming up for you. Sit with it instead of shunting it aside.
Now think about how you want to feel, even if that feeling seems unattainable.
This is where we get to play a bit. So, today I’m feeling overwhelmed and that overwhelm is causing me to freeze up and not know which way to turn or what to get done. When I think about how I want to feel, I want to feel at ease with my obligations. I don’t want to feel so spinny in my head when I think of what needs to be done. I want to have the confidence that not only accomplish what needs to be done, but I can sort through the mess and prioritize things.
There is no way I can snap my fingers and say I can get everything done and believe it. In fact just typing that made my insides twist. I don’t believe that at all. What I do believe is that I’ve had this feeling before and I’ve found my way through it. Ok, that I can believe.
So, how do I build a ladder or a bridge between feeling overwhelmed and feeling like I’m failing and feeling confident I can find my way through it all? I’ve found adding the word ‘possible’ to that thought helps immensely.
It is possible for me to go through the list of things to do and prioritize them in order to get them done. Then I’d feel confident and like it is possible for me to accomplish things.
I know I ran on a bit there, but to summarize. Toxic positivity is real. Trying to make lemonades out of lemons may not be within reach. But there are a few things you can do: 1) Feel the feelings 2) Determine how you want to feel 3) Build a ladder to get your thoughts closer to how you want to feel. It is possible.
Thought work is something we can work on in coaching. If you want to find out more about what how that can help, please sign up for a free half hour Curiosity Call. You can ask all the questions you have to learn about how Life Coaching can help you.
Well, What hAppened
A little more time passed then I expected between my last blog post and now. There were a couple of life things that happened that made me set coaching aside.
First up, I started a new job that took up more than it should have for the first couple of years I was there. That was unexpected, and I did not have the bandwidth for much else.
Second, depression sunk its hooks into me.
I think if it had been one or the other of those two things I could have managed but both at the same time meant I had to take a break from coaching.
Over the last few months the job has leveled out, along with my depression. Yay therapy. Plus I took a vacation for the first time in two years.
What does that mean for this space?
I am committed to coaching. I’m actually finishing up an amazing decolonized coaching program. The past five months I’ve spent learning more about coaching, learning a decolonized approach and getting reinvigorated in my craft.
Not only have I learned a lot about coaching, but I’ve learned a lot about myself. First and foremost is I need to prioritize rest and restoration, which means planning time for vacation, taking a nap on Sundays, doing my hobbies, and spending time with friends. Basically all the things that restore me.
That means I have the capacity, energy and desire to coach. It also means that I’m more present for my clients and able to serve them better.
While sometimes it is hard to not look back on the last couple of years as a failure, I can also see how I needed to take the time to heal and grow.
Ways to Navigate Life When You are in a Funk
Do you know what's super annoying? Making it through the cold, dark Chicago winter without any hint of Seasonal Affective Disorder or Depression and then getting hit with depression during the sunny beautiful Chicago summer aka the few months of the year we can leave the house! I've navigated this before and so thankfully I have a ton of handy tools in my toolbox.
Here are a few things I've found to keep life moving forward while struggling with depression.
Reach out to people. I am really lucky to have an amazing support system. So, if I'm struggling even a little bit there are a few core people I reach out to immediately.
If by any chance you do have a friend, family member, or co-worker reach out to you when they are struggling with depression and you aren't sure what to do to help, I'd suggest you ask what support they need. They may need someone just to listen, they may need someone to help them get out of the house, or get the grocery shopping done. The best thing you can do is ask what would be the best way you can support them. Depending on if they are just feeling blue, or it's a full blown depressive episode, I'd also suggest making sure they've reached out to their therapist as well.
Wallow in it. Honestly fighting depression is exhausting!! I've found I can either spend a month fighting it, or just succumb for a couple of days. So, I spent the bulk of my weekend feeling my feelings. UGH. Just even typing that makes me want to run away. That meant I spent a lot of time in bed or on the couch. But, by Sunday afternoon I was starting to feel like myself again. If the depression won't abate then please seek medical help.
Feel a sense of small accomplishment. I pick one thing to get done. One small thing. Last weekend it was keeping the kitchen counter clear. That meant all the clutter and dishes didn't pile up in the kitchen. That type of chaos really has a huge negative impact on my brain. So having a clear kitchen counter meant dishes made it into the sink and eventually into the dishwasher. That small action felt huge.
Don't should on yourself. Basically don't beat yourself up for all the things you didn't get done. I felt like I should have sent this newsletter weeks ago, and I should have painted my bedroom, and I should have gotten the things done on my to do list. But, you know what? I didn't. And that's ok and I just have to move on from it.
Sometimes feeling overwhelmed, stressed or anxious can also trigger those same sad/depressive feelings. These tips can help you move through that as well. I'm going to point out that I am not a doctor, but these are things that have helped me and my coaching clients move through some rough times.
At the end of the day it helps to remember, "You've Got This".
Becoming, almost, friends with my anxiety
As much as I advocate for rest and balance, sometimes life doesn't go as planned. Or maybe, I over planned and should have left some blank space in my calendar! I had an epic week last week, but I over-peopled, and maybe overdid it on work a little bit. Yet, at the same time I gave two amazing workshops and launched a group coaching program. Which is why I took a nap on Saturday!
I also had quite a bit of anxiety last week and yet, I did the thing. I taught a workshop with Creative Mornings Field Trips (highly recommend you check out their offerings) and it was the most people I've ever had at a workshop. By the end I was elated and exhausted. I felt the anxiety, and kept going through it. I felt like I was able to use that adrenaline and be more up beat and focused, while presenting and navigating the chat, while on zoom. It was a lot!
I was really thinking this week about how I tend to jump and build the net as I go. I'm pretty high functioning individual, but I live with anxiety and depression. The book Good Anxiety: Harnessing the Power of the Most Misunderstood Emotion, really helped me see how anxiety is an indicator that I'm about to do something kind of scary, or out of my comfort zone. It can be a yellow flag, saying caution, not necessarily stop. This is very different from anxiety due to trauma, or anxiety that causes panic attacks. I've built that 'jump' muscle up over the years and steadily tried new and different things. Some of them I've failed at, but honestly, even then, I was grateful for the learning experience.
Sometimes though life is overwhelming and it's hard to push through, which is why I've built a group coaching program called 'How to get sh*t done while overwhelmed and anxious'. It's a three month program that includes:
An individual life coaching session with me to help you get clear on what you want to be focusing on in your life
Bi-weekly group coaching
A micro-course that will be rolled out to you weekly
Weekly accountability that is tailored to your accountability style
A Discord channel for all of us to help each other
Monthly co-working sessions to get together and get sh*t done. You can work on a personal project or a work project.
This program is built with you in mind. You may love weekly emails, but hate the idea of showing up for a coaching session. You may hate emails, but love chatting with people on discord (kind of like a facebook group). You can choose your own adventure and still get the support and information that you need in order to succeed.
This program is built for people who are struggling to get sh*t done. You may have a big project or a passion project, or simply need support with day-to-day life.
The commitment is only three months, and at a special introductory offer of $57 per month. If you need a discounted rate or a longer payment plan, please let me know, it's available to everyone.
Get the help and support you need today and sign up now.
Plus!! The first five people who sign up also receive two additional hours of coaching with me (a $400 value). There's only two left, so sign up now.
I Dwell in Possibility
Yes, I am using a poem by Emily Dickinson as the header of this blog post. I landed on something a little less grim because I was kind of leaning towards "Because I could not stop for death". Just feeling a little dramatic.
I managed to make it through most of the winter without getting hit with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). I used my sun lamp, I planned a trip to a hot sunny place in February (Togo definitely fit the bill), and I had mini adventures with friends. All the things that help support me through the winter, but at the end of March it just hit me.
I was struggling to make it through the day and all of the things that usually make me happy, I just didn't even want to do. So, I embraced it. I let myself rest and I hermited a little bit. Instead of putting all my energy into fighting feeling down, I let it wash over me. That right there is what gave me the energy to do my day-to-day, to go to work, to cook and clean, and to take care of myself.
The other thing that helped immensely was reaching out to friends and admitting I was kind of hiding away from the world. It took about three weeks of limiting my activity, avoiding public events and resting to come out of the fog. It wasn't quite a full blown depression, but I was flirting hard with depression.
I am sharing this because a) I don't think we talk about mental health enough as a society and b) even though I felt like I wasn't being productive (recovering type A over here), I was still able to get so much done. That's because I've learned how to co-exist with my mental illness and I've set up structures that help me keep doing all the life stuff.
I sometimes get overwhelmed with all that I have to do/want to do. I have a lot of projects. I've been working on my home and I'm plugging away at making it mine. I'm focusing on the bedroom, and while I've gotten a lot done, I have a ways to go. I sometimes get overwhelmed by the to do list and I've noticed that some of my friends and clients struggle with the same thing.
So, I've developed a free workshop called Screw the Lemonade: How to Get Sh*t Done While Overwhelmed and Anxious.
LET’S TALK ABOUT HOW TO GET SH*T DONE
In this free workshop, we are going to start with where you are at and how you are feeling. Which, by the way, even if you are struggling, you are still making it through the day, so cut yourself some slack. You rock!
Next we will get clear on what you want and how you want to feel. Your want may actually be centered around things that need to get done in your life, and that is ok.
Hey-what’s your accountability style and how do you get the best accountability help that suits you? Not all accountability is built the same, but we’ll get you the help you need.
Finally, we’ll build out an actionable plan to get you unstuck, moving forward and getting sh*t done.
If you are ready to get sh*t done then register for this free workshop today. You can join live on 5/18/2023 from noon-12:45 Central Time or sign up and get the reply in your inbox. I'd love to see you there.