Is your clutter overwhelming your life

This weeks post is about clutter and its impact on your big squishy brain. Short story is it messes with you. I mean it messes with all of us and does it in different ways, but clutter can weigh you down. I know that when my depression is creeping up on my that keeping the mess at a minimum is so challenging, but also so helpful.

I just finished reading Gretchen Rubin’s book Outer Order, Inner Calm. I really appreciate that she acknowledges there is no one size fits all approach to dealing with the detritus of our lives. She recognizes that some of us have different ways and reasons for why we hang on to clutter and it may take different approaches in order to let things go.

In my study of happiness, I’ve realized that for most of us, outer order contributes to inner calm-Gretchen Rubin

At one point in my life I tried to be a minimalist. I still agree with the principles, which at their core is about clearing clutter and adding value to your life. Let’s just say my sentimentality and maximalist design choices can sometimes get in the way of all that.

There were a couple of suggestions from Gretchen’s book that I thought would be great to try.

1. “Use a photograph to evaluate clutter”. Sometimes we get so used to the way things are that we can’t see it. So by taking a photograph you are looking at a different vantage point and can see things better.

2. “Move clutter out of context”. This is similar to using a photograph to see things differently. When you move the clutter into another space it is possible to see it again.

I think the best piece of advice she gives is “don’t get organized. Which seems counterinutiive, but the first thing you need to do is to get rid of stuff and once you have done that you know what you have left that needs to be organized. I’d add to that, don’t buy organizational bins or tools until you know what you are dealing with.

One habit I’ve implemented is a daily swipe of the kitchen counter. Dishes go in the sink, random things get put away, and I wipe down the counter. That daily reset keeps the kitchen counter clear. For me, keeping the kitchen counter clear means the clutter doesn’t pile up and I don’t get overwhelmed.

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Your Mission

Is there one spot in your house that is the linchpin to keeping things in order? Mine is the kitchen counter. It could be your dining table, the floor in the hallway, or your bed where everything seems to end up. Step one would be to clear that area. Step two would be to figure out if there are things that keep ending up there because they don’t have a place to go. Find them their place. It will help you in the long run.

Life coaching

If your clutter is overwhelming and you want to find out more about what how Life Coaching can help, please sign up for a free half hour Curiosity Call. You can ask all the questions you have to learn about how Life Coaching can help you. Plus, I was an interior designer so I have a ton of helpful tips.

Keep being you

I sometimes feel this almost scratching feeling in my brain like I haven’t accomplished enough. That I need to be doing more with my life. Somebody please define “more” for me! In talking with friends and clients I know I’m not alone.

Yet, I think about my grandparents and how from the outside their lives looked kind of small. Both only graduated from high school, they worked hard their whole lives in blue collar jobs, they raised their kids and then enjoyed their grandkids (at least I hope they did) and from that view it doesn’t seem like they left much of a legacy.

Except they did. Their lives touched so many people, including my own. Poppy taught me, not just how to fix things, but the importance of make do and mend, his quiet patience gave me a safe space, and his joy to hit the open road with a camper and go on adventures all around the United States gave me a glimpse of America that most people never get. My grandmother taught me how to set a table, how to bake, how to cook and how to be a good hostess, she gave me a love of gardening, and she also taught me how to sew and crochet.

They seem like small things but they inform, not just how I live my life, but who I am as a person. I had a dinner party recently for ten people. Being able to cook and host are skills, but at their core it’s about building community. Bringing people together who know me but not each other, making connections and sharing a meal is such a beautiful thing. People are writing books about it and yet it is something almost second nature to me.

I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in over a decade a few years ago. I met her husband and her daughters. She was so excited to tell me that she sewed her daughters clothes and that it was all thanks to me. I was surprised but she said I always told her to just do it and if you mess up, well, that’s what a seam ripper is for.

I think about friends who have carried me through difficult times, about bosses who taught me how to be a better leader, of teachers who imparted the knowledge I needed in that moment. I think of the whole host of people who have come into my life, some for just a fleeting moment, and some for over thirty years. They all have had an impact on me. Even my life coaching clients teach me something new every day. Sometimes it is the mirror they reflect back to show me the work I need to do, sometimes it is awe at their resilience and sometimes it is a tidbit of knowledge that helps me in my work.

You may be thinking you haven’t done enough yet with this wild wondrous life, but I’d argue you’ve done so much, but it can be hard to see. You’ve had more of an impact on the people and the world around you then you can ever imagine.

Your homework

Your homework for this week is to reach out and tell someone how they affected you. It can be something small and I bet, in that smallness, you will surprise that person because they probably thought it was nothing. But for you, it meant the world.

Life Coaching

If you want to find out more about what how Life Coaching can help you life your wild wondrous life, please sign up for a free half hour Curiosity Call. You can ask all the questions you have to learn about how Life Coaching can help you.

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Sustain

The Sahara desert in Morocco. When I visited the desert I definitely felt a moment of peace.

I was clearing out some old magazines and the theme for one of them was “Sustain” and it has stuck with me all week.

I’ve been dealing with some heavy stuff and this need to do more, get things done, and frantically clean has been riding me hard. Mainly because if I were to stop and just be, then I’d have to feel my feelings.

I don’t do well in the just sitting and being zone. Except that’s where I need to be right now. That word sustain felt about right. I need to sustain myself, Sweetie and the plants. I need to sustain at work. I need to sustain my life coaching business. The reality is that is all I have in me right now. And that’s ok.

I know many of us are dealing with depression or anxiety, a lot on our plate, daily stress levels through the roof, or some difficult family situations. How do we give ourselves the grace to just be?

Some of the things I have been trying to do is just give myself some space to sit with the feelings. I have a lovely bay window in the living room that feels a bit like being in a tree house and I just sit and watch the trees. I’ve been letting myself sleep in a bit. Ok, sometimes more than a bit. I’ve cooked myself nourishing comfort food. My mom used to make chicken paprikash when I was a kid so I made myself a big batch but swapped out the chicken for portobello mushrooms. I give in to the franticness and tackle a project in the house.

I realize that I have freedom to do many of those things because I am only responsible for myself and a small bunny. It may be more challenging if you are responsible for other living human beings, but are there ways you can sneak in some extra rest or a favorite food?

How do you simply sustain where you are at today? Let go of the pressure to do more or grow. This does not mean you will cease doing things that support your mental health but maybe let go of the pressure to be at a different point in your life.

I’m in a season of grief and it’s ok to hit the pause button. It seems a bit contrary to the flowers popping up and the birds chirping outside but I’ll just be over here learning to be.

Where do you feel you could use some sustaining energy in your life today?

Why I Have Learned to Love My Boundaries

Sweetie knows how to set boundaries. No touchy!

I didn’t always like boundaries, but that was because I was focused on people pleasing and perfectionism, rather than my own needs. I used to say yes to everything. Every favor, every commitment, every social obligation that felt vaguely uncomfortable to decline. And I told myself this was being a good friend/daughter/partner. What I didn’t see was that this compulsive yes-saying was less about generosity and more about fear. My fear of disappointing people, fear of being seen as difficult, and fear of being left out.

What a Boundary Actually Is

That which serves to indicate the bounds or limits of anything whether material or immaterial; also the limit itself. (First used in 1626.)

Oxford English Dictionary

A boundary is not a wall or a barrier. It is not a retaliation, a rejection, or a sign that something is wrong. A boundary is a declaration of what you need in order to show up — for yourself, for others, for the life you’re building. It takes a great deal of self-knowledge and courage to set boundaries.

It took me quite a few years to learn not only why setting boundaries was so important for my mental health, but also how to set them. Setting clear demarcations helped me do away with the anger and resentment I felt when I said yes to something I didn’t want to do. It helped me show up authentically as myself, pour my energy into community and the things that fill my cup. Most importantly it meant I was communicating more effectively with the people in my life.

I strongly feel that when I say no to the things that don’t align with me, my energy level and values, then I am saying yes to the things, and people, that I truly love and that light me up.

A boundary I have been struggling with recently is around what I am physically able to do. I was in a car accident many years ago and I shattered my left tibia and fibula. It’s held together now with two titanium plates and ten screws. Over the years the arthritis in that leg has become, well, really bad, and my daily pain level is about a six. I have certain things that cause too much pain and I can’t do but I’m not good at telling people that. So I do them, and then I can’t walk the next day. Or, if I do say I can’t do that because it hurts, I overshare and then I feel guilt and shame.

And then I remembered boundaries. I have to set some boundaries around what I physically cannot do and communicate what they are without the need to over explain. Realizing this felt freeing. It means I can say no to doing the things that make it so I can’t walk the next day without the guilt and shame.

All of that to say this work isn’t easy. It’s on going and challenging. But at the end of the day boundaries have taught me what I actually value. You learn surprisingly little about yourself when you say yes to everything. But say no to something — really sit with the discomfort of it — and you discover exactly what you were protecting.

I also love them because my yeses mean something. When I say yes now, it is not out of guilt or habit or fear of missing out. It is a deliberate, intentional, and wholehearted agreement. Those yeses are the ones that help me build and nurture my relationships and my creative life.

Build a fence. With love,

Kandy

Life Coaching

If you want to find out more about what how Life Coaching can help, please sign up for a free half hour Curiosity Call. You can ask all the questions you have to learn about how Life Coaching can help you.

Etymology

If you are as interested as I am in the etymology of words, here’s the history of the word boundary from the Oxford English Dictionary

1626 Corruption is a Reciprocall to Generation: And they Two, are as Natures two Termes or Bundaries.

F. Bacon, Sylua Syluarum §328

1690 The simple Ideas, we receive from Sensation and Reflection, are the Boundaries of our Thoughts.

J. Locke, Essay Humane Understanding ii. xxiii. 146

1751. Providence has fixed the limits of human enjoyment by immoveable boundaries.

S. Johnson, Rambler No. 178. ⁋3

1860. The dots representing the boundaries of the ridges.

J. Tyndall, The Glaciers of the Alps i. §6. 43

Vulnerability

Sometimes I want to hide in my shell.

I’m sure I am not the only one struggling with the state of our world right now. I don’t know if I have any great chunks of wisdom to give you, but I thought I would share what has been helping me.

I am a Cancer Sun, Leo Moon and a Cancer Rising. I included the picture of a little hermit crab here because the crab represents Cancer in the Zodiac. That means I take all of the traits of a Cancer- being a homebody, caring for people, holding a grudge until the end of time, very intuitive and empathetic, moody and kind of doesn’t like strangers- and I multiply them! Then you add that Leo Moon, which is warm, generous, kind and caring and also self-centered and stubborn, and well you have a bundle full of a lot of feelings.

I share that to say when I feel threatened, I retreat. My feelings overwhelm me and I withdraw from people and doing the things that I love. I’m very grateful that my friends know this about me and still reach out even when I’m trying to hide away. Y’all right about now with this current news cycle I’m feeling threatened and I want to hide away. I want to wrap my heart in bubble wrap, build a little refuge and hide away from the world.

One of my core personality traits is that I care and I want to help. It’s a huge reason why I became a life coach. It also means that I can’t avoid the pain of the world. Taking care of something or someone else is a great way to get you out of your head space. Adopting Sweetie was one of the best things I did because it meant on the days I just couldn’t, that I still got up and took care of this chaotic little being. Is there something or someone you can take care of? Even watering the plants helps me feel like I’m nurturing something outside myself. Is there a friend that you know has been struggling, well reach out to them. Is there somewhere you can volunteer? If people aren’t your thing, go look into an animal shelter. It doesn’t have to be a big huge gesture, just something small.

The other thing I would suggest is to be open. When you are with people you trust, or in spaces you trust, stay open and vulnerable. It is easier to shut yourself off from the pain, but we have to feel the pain and process it (which FYI is the thing I hate doing most). It’s what makes us human. It is what makes us care for the people, community and the world around us.

I often share parts of my story that can be hard to tell. The reason I tell my story is because it often resonates with someone else. I’ve had many people tell me, sometimes years later, that hearing my story helped them know they weren’t alone. I am not the poster child for surviving trauma, but I have made it through and I think sometimes people need to see that. I shared something very vulnerable the other day on instagram because I needed to channel my rage. Here is the post if you are interested (trigger warnings SA).

I realized later that what made that post resonate and feel strong, was partly my strong language, but also my vulnerability. My ability to take my story and share it in order for others to know what women are dealing with, and also in the hope that someone hears my story and it helps them.

If you are struggling, I see you. The world is especially heavy lately. Find something small to care for and keep your heart open.

With love,

Kandy

Rest

Sweetie doesn’t feel the need to earn her rest!

One little word that feels so loaded. I’m grateful that we’ve started to move away from hustle culture and to recognize that maybe we aren’t meant to be working constantly. I don’t need to girl boss any harder, thank you very much.

You know what I absolutely suck at? Resting. It’s like the phrase “idle hands are the devil’s playground” is baked into my bones. Nobody every said that to me, but it is something I have internalized and have had to work hard to let go.

Nothing like getting sick to force one to have to rest. I hated it. Lol. I got bowled over with some fever flu thing last week and I had to call in sick to work and I had to cancel my weekend plans. There is nothing I hate more then cancelling on people, but unless they wanted to share in my misery there was nothing I could do.

Part of the time I slept, and I didn’t really have a choice in the matter. The other part of the time I struggled with myself to just rest and be. There was much reading done, much bad tv watching done (y’all Love is Blind Habibi is a trip) and very little accomplished.

While my rest over the last week was in order to recuperate. It made me stop and think about how to incorporate rest into my life on the daily and the weekly. What could it look like?

Daily Rest Ideas (20-30 minutes):

• Reading

• Crafting

• Roll around on the floor yoga (gentle or restorative yoga)

• Tarot pull

Weekend Rest Ideas (as much time as you have possible):

• Naps

• Puttering (this is where I go around the house and fix or tweak things)

• Bigger Chunks of Crafting time

• Walk by the lake or a bike ride

• Social media break

I think journaling and meditation are often mentioned as ways to rest but I find I resist them pretty strongly. If these work for you, then great, but also there may be other things that you find more restful.

What do you find restful?

Wishing you a peaceful weekend,

Kandy

So Apparently There's a Word for People Like Us-Multipotentialite

A few of my favorite things

You may be wondering what is a multipotentialite?

A multipotentialite is someone with many interests and creative pursuits — someone who doesn't have One True Calling, and who maybe never will, and who is actually fine about it once they stop apologizing for it or beating themself up over it.

English major here, so I always want to start with the word itself. "Multi" is obvious. But "potentialite" — it's about potential. Plural potential. The idea that you could go in many directions, and that this isn't indecision, it's capacity.

"The question was never 'why can't you focus?' It was always 'why are you trying to be one thing when you were built to be several?'"

Emilie Wapnick, who popularized the term, gave a TED Talk about it that's been watched something like 9 million times. Which tells you how many people heard it and went: oh thank goodness, it's not just me.

The "pick one thing" myth

Here's what I think is really going on. We built a lot of our institutions — school, career ladders, LinkedIn profiles — around the idea of specialization. Go deep. Stay in your lane. Become the foremost expert in a very specific thing.

And that genuinely works for some people! Specialists are wonderful and necessary. I am not knocking the specialists.

But it is not the only valid shape for your life. And we've been so focused on the specialist model that people who don't fit it end up feeling like they're failing — when really they're just playing a different game that nobody told them had a name.

The classic knock is "jack of all trades, master of none." But the saying originally was “jack of all trades” full stop. It originally was meant to be high praise!

What we're actually good at

Multipotentialites tend to be fast learners — not because we're naturally smarter, but because we've learned how to learn. Every new interest was once completely foreign territory. We've done this before. We know how to be a beginner without falling apart about it. (Mostly.)

We're also really good at translation — moving between disciplines, between people, between ideas that have never been introduced to each other. That's not nothing. That's actually quite rare.

Every random thing has lead to this path

I wouldn’t be good at my day job if I hadn’t decided to open a business years ago. All of the tips and tricks and project management software I’ve learned about have lead me to being really good at operations.

Along with that all of my interests, whether it is sewing, perfume, textiles, project management software, DIY or taking a job in Iraq have lead me to where I am today. Smart, capable and lead by curiosity. Oh! And I have a lot of great stories to tell.

I'm a life coach, and I can help you with this

Here's the thing — I didn't just stumble onto the word multipotentialite and feel better and move on. I've spent a lot of time working through what it actually means to build a life around this, and I do that work with my coaching clients too.

Because knowing you're a multipotentialite is one thing. Figuring out how to stop explaining yourself, find work that actually fits, and trust the nonlinear path you're on? That takes a little more than a TED Talk.

If you've been sitting with this feeling that you're too scattered, too restless, a failure because you start things but don’t finish them — I want you to know you're not alone. And if you want some help figuring out what to do with all of that, I'm here for it.

I've spent years feeling like I couldn't commit to one thing. Turns out that's kind of the whole point.

Life Coaching

If you want to find out more about what how Life Coaching can help, please sign up for a free half hour Curiosity Call. You can ask all the questions you have to learn about how Life Coaching can help you.

It’s ok to suck at something

I read this article “Why Sucking at Your Hobby Could be a Secret Weapon” and I may have fist punched into the air “YES!” Because yes it is!

I also love that Tanner breaks down the history of the word hobby a) because the definition is brilliant and b) I’m an English major.

“Let’s consider the word first: hobby. Funny little word. It sounds childish, and that’s because it is. Back in the 1400s, the word “hobi” was a nickname for a small, active horse. As the centuries went by, the word was clumped with horse to form “hobbyhorse,” the name for that iconic children’s toy: a long stick with a horse’s head attached to it.

Kids rode these pretend horses for centuries, and the activity became associated with a kind of blissfully pointless diversion. Eventually the first half of the word broke free. Hobby came to describe an “activity that doesn’t go anywhere.”

Hobby’s are supposed to interesting, engaging and somewhat relaxing. I call it puttering. Just zoning out, not with the purpose of getting anything done, but to let my mind disengage. In this day and age of everyone telling you to monetize your hobby it can sometimes be hard to remember that.

The picture above is probably around the 20th pot I made and I can tell you that functionally it is a pot but man it is not a good piece of pottery. It weighs about 5 pounds because it takes a ton of practice to have smooth bottoms and sides to your pots. My bottom heavy bowls are great as water bowls for Sweetie because she can’t pick them up and throw them around (a favorite bunny past time). Oh and I totally killed that plant.

I’ve been sewing since I was about seven so it is second nature to me. I also crochet, weave and embroider. I craft a lot. My first pottery class left me almost in tears. My brain felt all wrong and twisted and my hands did not do the right thing. I did not want to go back. But I did and little by little I got better and I started to enjoy it. I still sucked at it but I was having fun.

Go make something and if you suck at it, that’s ok.

Screw the Lemonade

Screw the Lemonade

Y’all there is a real reason why I named my workshop Screw the Lemonade: How to Get Sh*t Done While Overwhelmed and Anxious. The phrase ‘When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade” honestly pisses me off. It’s supposed to inspire optimism and a can do attitude. But, sometimes that is hard to find. Also, any time I hear that I want to ask, but where am I getting the sugar? And the water? And the pitcher? And, and, and?

Sometimes when I’m down in it and somebody is like ‘there’s always tomorrow’, or ‘smile’, or ‘cheer up’. It doesn’t help. At all. In fact the disconnect from what I am feeling and my ability to smile is about as wide as the Grand Canyon. Now, I’m feeling even more despair because I can’t be like normal people, oh, and I’m also really pissed off at the person who is trying to fake cheer me up.

People are starting to understand that positivity isn’t always the answer, and in fact the phrase toxic positivity has been used to describe that fake cheer up mentality.

Toxic positivity is a cultural force that reinforces: “If you believe it you can achieve it!” “The only thing in your way is you!” “The key to success is a positive mindset!”… Toxic Positivity leaves us feeling alone, and disconnected. It stops us from communicating. It stifles creativity and change. It silences people.

Whitney Goodman

Instead of going from zero to hero, you need to build a ladder first. If you find yourself struggling it helps to acknowledge the feeling. As someone who does everything they can to avoid having a feeling believe me, I know! But, it really does help to stop and say well crap, I feel sad/angry/frustrated/depressed/anxious/shameful, or whatever feeling is coming up for you. Sit with it instead of shunting it aside.

Now think about how you want to feel, even if that feeling seems unattainable.

This is where we get to play a bit. So, today I’m feeling overwhelmed and that overwhelm is causing me to freeze up and not know which way to turn or what to get done. When I think about how I want to feel, I want to feel at ease with my obligations. I don’t want to feel so spinny in my head when I think of what needs to be done. I want to have the confidence that not only accomplish what needs to be done, but I can sort through the mess and prioritize things.

There is no way I can snap my fingers and say I can get everything done and believe it. In fact just typing that made my insides twist. I don’t believe that at all. What I do believe is that I’ve had this feeling before and I’ve found my way through it. Ok, that I can believe.

So, how do I build a ladder or a bridge between feeling overwhelmed and feeling like I’m failing and feeling confident I can find my way through it all? I’ve found adding the word ‘possible’ to that thought helps immensely.

It is possible for me to go through the list of things to do and prioritize them in order to get them done. Then I’d feel confident and like it is possible for me to accomplish things.

I know I ran on a bit there, but to summarize. Toxic positivity is real. Trying to make lemonades out of lemons may not be within reach. But there are a few things you can do: 1) Feel the feelings 2) Determine how you want to feel 3) Build a ladder to get your thoughts closer to how you want to feel. It is possible.

Thought work is something we can work on in coaching. If you want to find out more about what how that can help, please sign up for a free half hour Curiosity Call. You can ask all the questions you have to learn about how Life Coaching can help you.

Well, What hAppened

A little more time passed then I expected between my last blog post and now. There were a couple of life things that happened that made me set coaching aside.

First up, I started a new job that took up more than it should have for the first couple of years I was there. That was unexpected, and I did not have the bandwidth for much else.

Second, depression sunk its hooks into me.

I think if it had been one or the other of those two things I could have managed but both at the same time meant I had to take a break from coaching.

Over the last few months the job has leveled out, along with my depression. Yay therapy. Plus I took a vacation for the first time in two years.

What does that mean for this space?

I am committed to coaching. I’m actually finishing up an amazing decolonized coaching program. The past five months I’ve spent learning more about coaching, learning a decolonized approach and getting reinvigorated in my craft.

Not only have I learned a lot about coaching, but I’ve learned a lot about myself. First and foremost is I need to prioritize rest and restoration, which means planning time for vacation, taking a nap on Sundays, doing my hobbies, and spending time with friends. Basically all the things that restore me.

That means I have the capacity, energy and desire to coach. It also means that I’m more present for my clients and able to serve them better.

While sometimes it is hard to not look back on the last couple of years as a failure, I can also see how I needed to take the time to heal and grow.