Big “T” trauma and Little “T” Trauma

As someone who has had some pretty significant traumatic events in their life, and been through quite a bit of therapy, what I didn’t expect was to still have to work on the little trauma’s. 

We typically identify Big ‘T’ trauma as something that threatened or caused violence or body harm, including sexual violence. 

Little ‘t’ trauma are all the other things that may cause emotional harm. Things like relationship conflict, divorce, financial worries, or emotional neglect.

Here’s a great article that goes into more detail.

In my case the little ‘t’ trauma were the things my father said, like “If you’re going to cry- go to your room” or “Get your head out of your a**” (I was often accused of day dreaming, which I now realize was probably disassociation). He never wanted to go to my school plays or concerts, and it was a fight to get out of the house. To this day I still get anxious about being late because we were always late when I was a kid.

So, why does this matter? We tend to think we can just pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and keep going. Yet, these little ‘t’ traumas can have an impact on our self-worth and our self-esteem. Sometimes they can have a cumulative effect that can lead to depression or ptsd.

I was in an amazing group therapy program, and I remember one of the members of our group breaking down crying because she didn’t have the same traumatic events that I did, but she just couldn’t manage life. And my heart went out to her, and our therapist was very clear that all those little traumas can have just as big of an effect.

So, please don’t discount the things that have happened or may be happening in your life. They can have a serious impact on your health and well-being. If you are struggling please see someone. I’m very grateful for the therapists that helped. me through some rough times.

I’ve worked with quite a few clients who were in therapy while also having life coaching with me. It’s actually a great pairing because therapy helps clear out the past and free clients from their grip, while life coaching is much more future focused. Plus, when something from their past comes up in coaching, then they can go and work on it with their therapist.

This post is part of a series on trauma:
The Impact of Trauma

What Trauma Does to Memory

What Trauma does to memory

Photo by Ireland Rogers on Unsplash

Writing a memoir is a fascinating activity when you don’t remember a lot of things. I’ve done a lot of reading and research on how memory works because mine is shot.

Yes, we do, in a sense, lose memories as we age. But I’ve struggled with my memory since I was in high school. I do tend to remember scents, sensations or colors, better than I can what happened, a person’s name, or an authors name, or basically anything/one with a name.

I have found that there are swaths of my life simply missing, and it’s not just childhood memories, but a huge chunk of my twenties. That is thanks to trauma. Although, there is probably some stuff in my twenties I would rather not remember, thank you very much.

It sometimes messes with my identity. At my core I know who I am and what I value. But our experiences and the things we take in help shape us. I don’t remember movies, books I’ve read, people I’ve met or did I fall prey to the double layering of tank tops in the 2000s.

I really struggle with remembering names of people from my past or even people I’ve met recently. When I was doing my masters in English I had a friend who would helpfully supply names of characters when I was answering a question in class. I would know what happened and who did what, but I couldn’t remember the name. Thank you Friend!

Believe me, I’ve tried all the tricks to try to remember peoples names, but they don’t stick in my brain. It’s not just casual acquaintances, I’ll be talking and blank on someone’s name that I’ve known for years.

Let’s talk about the impact of trauma. Keep in mind, I am not a therapist, but I’ve been to a lot of therapy and I’m talking about my personal experience. Our brains are big beautiful things and our brain will do its best to protect us from a traumatic experience. My brain took my trauma, shoved it in an iron box, wrapped that box up in heavy chains with a huge lock and threw it into the deepest part of the ocean. For some people trauma actually can actually cause dissociative identity disorder, or what used to be called split personality disorder. Some people experience trauma, immediately get the help that they need and chances are they are going to process that trauma and not have it walled or split away.

Anytime a memory or a current experience would brush up against that locked trauma box I would disassociate. I can’t remember which book, but there is a novel by Toni Morrison that describes disassociating in such a way that it punched me in the gut when I read it. Ironically, I can’t remember the name of the book, but I remember feeling those words wash over me when I read it. She described it as a buzzing of bees that went through the character.

Disassociating is like a slow fade from your own life, and then the bees come and overwhelm you until you can’t hear or see anything and you fight to hold onto consciousness. I spent most of my 20s and 30s in a dissociative state in order to avoid current circumstances and old trauma. It’s really hard to live like that. It’s also really hard to make any memories.

I used to beat myself up about it- this inability to remember. Or, I’d get flustered during a conversation because I forgot someone’s name. Now I am able to pretty much just roll with it. Granted, some really good therapy, and EMDR in order to process the trauma, helped a lot. Now it isn’t so much a locked box at the bottom of the ocean, but more like an old photo album on a dusty shelf.

I’ve found that my memory works kind of like that idea of six degrees of separation or the game ‘six degrees of Kevin Bacon’. I kind of hopscotch across my memories to get to Kevin Bacon.

And I end with where I begin, writing a memoir, which relies on memories. I actually have some memories of memories. Which sounds odd, but for example there is an old photo of me on a field trip at a cemetery in downtown Downers Grove. Someone snapped the photo of me jumping over a grave. I don’t remember that initial memory, but I remember seeing the photo of me in the blue and white striped shirt, and so I in a sense remember jumping over the grave. My guess is I was jumping over the grave because I thought it was disrespectful to walk on someone’s grave. I also hop over to some memories when I remember something else. I have written records in the form of old journals and letters (which FYI are painful to read because they are filled with so much teen angst!). Plus, I have friends who can help me fill in some of the gaps.

If you struggle to remember, just know you’re ok, especially if you had any trauma in your life. If you know someone who struggles to remember (or you are friends with me!), give those people a little bit of grace. Our brains are all beautiful individualistic machines that run a little differently from person to person.

The Impact of Trauma

I mentioned in my last post that I kind of enjoy getting a bit lost. I can embrace my sense of adventure. But y’all that has not always been true. I used to be super controlling and often felt the need to be in charge in order to control what was going on around me. Some of this was learned behavior, but most of it came from trauma.

I grew up in a chaotic, sometimes violent household. There were quite a few traumatic events and I never really understood how this impacted me until I got older and started dealing with things. Therapy helped. A lot!

When trauma is your norm it is hard sometimes to see how the way you cope with things could be, well, not normal. I couldn’t just have a dinner party, I had to have a themed menu, all of the dishes had to go together and the table had to be set just so. If I was going out to dinner I had to know the whole plan. What time, what restaurant, and who was going. If anything deviated from that plan it would cause me to have a full on panic attack and I would step in and direct everyone as to what was going to happen next as a way to exert control over everything, since I was rapidly spiraling out of control.

It would show up in so many ways that often made me difficult to be around. If someone wasn’t doing it ‘right’, then I would sometimes take things out of peoples hands and go do it myself. My mindset was well, I’ll just do it myself. People couldn’t offer to help, partly because I wasn’t good about accepting help, but mainly because they wouldn’t get it done ‘right.’ Whatever that meant.

I couldn’t do anything spontaneous, because without all of the information I didn’t feel in control. Granted today, I’m not very spontaneous but that’s about keeping tabs on my low introvert energy!

All of that behavior came out of a need to exert control over my environment because I grew up in an environment that often quickly slid completely out of control. Being in control gave me the illusion that I was safe. That I was in power. Everything I did was to provide that little girl in me, at least the illusion, that I was safe and ok.

I have a friend who says he loves coming to my house, because I make people feel like they are at home and it’s easy. Which makes me laugh, because the very opposite used to be true. I would be so over controlling that people would feel uncomfortable. Now I ask friends to bring whatever dish, without it all having to match the theme for the evening. If you plate your dish on something that doesn’t match what is on the table, that’s ok. Help yourself to whatever you want to drink. I’ve let it go.

I’m not going to lie, sometimes those controlling tendencies will pop up. It’s often if I’m feeling anxious and I have to remind myself that I’m safe. I’m ok. If you often feel like your controlling tendencies are making it difficult to breath, or for other people to breath freely around you, then let’s talk.

Not quite a travelogue

I hadn’t been on vacation since 2019 and I was way overdue for a break. I had a trip all planned out for Spring of 2020, and well, we know what happened. Thankfully I was able to change that flight and go to Lomé, Togo last month to visit a very dear friend, Cora, and her family.

Togo is a beautiful country, filled with amazing artisans and the people I met were so kind and delightful. With that said, there is a lot of poverty and people struggling. I don’t want to ignore the challenges this country is facing.

I was also lucky to be staying with my friend Cora, who is an awesome guide. We went out to the countryside for the weekend and stayed at La Ferme écotouristique Yaka Yale where we got a tour of the farm, ate some delicious food (all grown there-and they make their own tofu), and drank some sodabi, a palm wine, with the locals.

I had no idea that it took 18 months for one pineapple to grow! Or that the plants looked like this.

We explored Lomé and I bought too much fabric. I made my own batik. We made recycled art with a Togolese rapper named Yao Bobby.

I learned so much about how the villagers grow their food and also their medicine. It made me see how removed we are from the the land and where we get our food.

It was an absolutely wonderful trip and I got some much needed downtime. I realized part way through the trip as I was attempting to speak French and surrounded by other languages that I’ve let go of a lot of control, especially when it comes to traveling. I remember being in Madrid, Spain and getting lost and wandering through the streets. Madrid is a medieval city and so it is easy to get lost in the tiny twisted streets. I panicked a bit, but then I stopped, had an aperitif, chatted in my really bad Spanish with some locals who directed me back to the main street. From there I was able to find my way back to where I was staying. But that moment of wandering those medieval cobblestone streets in the heat, then sitting and cooling down with a lovely drink, has become a core memory.

Being in Togo and surrounded by French I often lost the thread of the conversation, especially if I was in a group of French speakers. But it was ok. I would pick it up, or get the gist of it and continue on. Even though my French isn’t that great, I still tried. I think people appreciated that I tried. I often got verb tenses wrong, or had to describe something because I couldn’t remember the right word, but the more I tried, the better my French got.

I’m grateful for the experiences I have had while traveling. It has helped me slowly learn to let go of the need to control everything, or over plan everything. I once showed up in Paris at my hotel, but I had booked it for the next night and still needed a place to stay that evening. The hotel was booked up that night, and while I was trying to think of plan b, the hotelier was very kind and called the hotel around the corner and got me a room. Keep in mind this whole conversation happened in French, but I figured it out, with the kind help of a the hotelier.

I remember being annoyed with myself for getting the date wrong, but not feeling panicked. I had faith that some sort of solution would present itself and I’d find a place to stay.

That ability to let it go and not panic when my best laid plans fail, has taken a few years, and some therapy and life coaching. I’ve slowly let go of my need to control things and it has made my life more pleasant, and I’m sure people having to interact and deal with me, would agree it’s made being around me much more pleasant.

Next post, I’ll talk a little bit more about why we have the need to control things and a little bit about what we can do to start letting go.

I carry a vintage camera and people were always interested in how it worked.

Apparently i need to rest

I will admit that I’m a bit of a type ‘A’ personality and I joke that I’ve been working hard to be a little bit more type ‘A-’. I also have that Puritan work ethic ingrained in my bones, so I have to fight against that. But, the Universe is sending a pretty clear signal to me that I should rest at the beginning of this year in order to be able to put my dreams into action.

I received an amazing 2023 Oracle reading from Cait Byrnes (highly recommend you check her out) and the card she pulled for January was “Garden-something lovely will grow from this”. I’m planting seeds now for future joy. But in order to see those seeds to fruition I also need to focus on resting, even if by doing so I seem selfish.

Then I did the ‘Release Resistance’ spread in the Energy Archaeology Oracle (which is gorgeous and so insightful- I can’t recommend it highly enough) and the first card pulled is in answer to the question, “What am I resisting?” I pulled Rest.

Sooooo… Apparently I need to rest.

Yet, I realized that I didn’t know what rest looked like for myself. Some people like to watch movies, but that’s not quite my thing. Is it napping, bubble baths? What is it??

Rest is very different for different people. Your version of rest may actually be a little more active, like taking a walk or a bike ride. 

So I sat down and made a list of the things that are restful and restorative for me. Most of them are quiet introverted type things like: reading, sewing and  weaving. Meditation helps. I love naps, but I’m not good at a quick nap, so I need lazy afternoons to enjoy a nap. I love puttering around the house and decorating or moving things around. 

What does rest look like for you? And how can you incorporate it into your day-to-day?

Going into the new year with a little less pressure

Oh, the New Year. I am sure you are starting to see all the weight loss ads, and new year-new you ads and I am trying really hard to ignore all of them. I think the New Year is a great point to stop and reflect, but not necessarily to set goals. I'm doing a review of 2022 and seeing what worked for me and what I want to bring with me into 2023, and, what I want to leave behind.

I am focusing on how I want to feel in the New Year and I'll start to build out habits and routines to support that.

There's a reason why most people don't go through with and/or keep their New Years intentions. It just doesn't work to set a big goal. You need to understand why that goal is important to you, and be deeply be invested in how it supports you, along with the life you want to build for yourself, your family, and your community.

If you want to explore what you want your New Year to look like and feel like, then schedule a coaching session with me.

back to normal (?)

I stepped away from my career. In fact I had a final interview for a Director job with a big salary and all the things and I was pretty certain they were going to offer me the job and I took myself out of the running. I couldn’t imagine returning back to normal with the long commute, neglecting my health and well-being and being so completely burnt out that I no longer felt joy.

I gave up a lot of things to pursue being a Life Coach, including a stable income and really good benefits. I’m not going to lie, it’s been challenging and my safety net is really tiny. But I’ve gained so much more. I’ve gained a job where I get to help people grow and change. I am able to work from home and avoid the commute. I take a break in the afternoon and go for a walk.

Yet, I notice around me that the world is returning to normal and I’m not sure that is a good thing. Living through a worldwide pandemic has been a horrible experience and I grieve for the lives we lost. Except, we gained some things too. Many of us who commuted gained almost 2-3 hours back each day to do things that are meaningful to us- taking a walk, crafting, reading or spending time with friends and family. I think we all gained a greater appreciation for nature and for our local parks. I know I gained a delightful, slightly chaotic pet bunny named Sweetie. I reconnected with friends. I recuperated and recovered from extreme burnout (which FYI took about 9 months). I started to feel joy again.

I just ask that we consider something we gained and to find a way to hold on to that. We do not have to return to normal. We can craft a way of working and living that better suits us, and no, I’m not advocating that you quit your job, but you can set boundaries around work. You can make the things that light you up a priority and protect that time and space. There’s a reason we are seeing people taking up the ‘quiet resignation’ (which FYI annoys the piss out of me because it’s just doing your job instead of sacrificing your life on the alter of work), because they want something more out of life.

Sometimes we don’t know what that something more is. Sometimes we don’t know how to set boundaries and get people to respect them. Sometimes we are too overwhelmed with life to even figure out the next thing. If any of that resonates with you, then please reach out. I’d love to talk.

How to find focus: In an Out of Focus World

I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had, or I’ve been in the middle of something and just thought Squirrel! It’s an indicator of my brain having gone off track. Try to keep a dog on task when it sees a squirrel and you’ll understand what Squirrel brain is!

I have done a lot of research and work with myself and clients on how to find focus. It is something we are required to do for forty hours a week, and yet we struggle.

One of the key things I’ve learned is that being able to focus has nothing to do with willpower. First off, we live in a world that has been built to pull our focus elsewhere, and secondly, we’ve been taught that multi-tasking is good. News flash-it isn’t.

So what are you supposed to do? Well, you can come to my free webinar FIND YOUR FOCUS IN AN OUT OF FOCUS WORLD on September 15th from 6-6:45PM Central on Zoom.

If you’ve struggled with keeping your mind focused on the task at hand, then this workshop is for you? The good news is our brain is super resilient and can learn new ways of doing things. So, come join us at Finding Your Focus on September 15th at 6PM Central time.

I leave the house…sometimes

Water is my happy place-I’m a Cancer and we are water lovers. Just looking at this picture makes me relax! I went to an amazing nature and journaling event (if you are in Chicago you can check it out here) and I realized that even though I have access to some amazing parks and a whole freaking lake, I haven’t been venturing out as much as I want to.

I’m a bit of an introvert, so home is my happy place, but then you add in a pandemic and I’ll gladly not ever leave the house again. Yet, that isn’t a healthy way for me to live. I was grateful for the reminder to get out and just sit by the water, hear the birds chirping and the wind whispering through the cottonwood trees.

Being in nature goes beyond exercise, it’s a place of rest and restoration for my mind and my body. I’m going to plan some mini-adventures for myself this summer. I’m also excited because I am moving soon to a place where I will be .3 miles from my door to the lake edge (I mapped it out!) and I will be able to sit and enjoy the water year round.

Where’s your happy place?

Ways to Move Towards Body Neutrality

Photo by Monika Kozub on Unsplash

Trying to love your body is super hard. It is especially difficult to do if you are moving from a place of shame or hatred of your body. I struggle with being present and existing in my body, partly because I struggle with the size of my body, but also because I have chronic pain. Being in my body and loving my body is so hard. 

The Body Positivity movement was initially about fighting against the stigma and shame of having a fat body. It carved out a space for fat bodies, and for people of color, who were often not allowed into spaces that advocated for fat bodies, to share their experience and also their joy for their body. 

Yet, like so many things, Body Positivity has been coopted and commercialized. That’s a whole other blog post, but I did want to give a little context for where Body Neutrality came from. And, as I mentioned, it is hard to love on a body that has had so much abuse from society, and internal anger, heaped upon it. 

Which is why I now focus on Body Neutrality. Body Neutrality is about meeting your body where it is and accepting what it can do for you. It focuses more on being present and in your body, instead of looking in a mirror and trying to convince yourself that you love your body. 

I’ve found myself able to accept my body as it is and work on being present in my body. It feels much more accessible to me. I wanted to share my experience with Body Neutrality in a free webinar I am hosting on Friday, June 3rd at 12PM Central time. If you can’t make it at that time, please still register because I will be sending out a replay. 

I will be covering how systems of oppression have impacted different bodies (this includes fat and disabled), talk more about what body neutrality is, give actionable steps to lead you on your path and we will work together to map out a plan. 

I hope to see you there.