Not quite a travelogue

I hadn’t been on vacation since 2019 and I was way overdue for a break. I had a trip all planned out for Spring of 2020, and well, we know what happened. Thankfully I was able to change that flight and go to Lomé, Togo last month to visit a very dear friend, Cora, and her family.

Togo is a beautiful country, filled with amazing artisans and the people I met were so kind and delightful. With that said, there is a lot of poverty and people struggling. I don’t want to ignore the challenges this country is facing.

I was also lucky to be staying with my friend Cora, who is an awesome guide. We went out to the countryside for the weekend and stayed at La Ferme écotouristique Yaka Yale where we got a tour of the farm, ate some delicious food (all grown there-and they make their own tofu), and drank some sodabi, a palm wine, with the locals.

I had no idea that it took 18 months for one pineapple to grow! Or that the plants looked like this.

We explored Lomé and I bought too much fabric. I made my own batik. We made recycled art with a Togolese rapper named Yao Bobby.

I learned so much about how the villagers grow their food and also their medicine. It made me see how removed we are from the the land and where we get our food.

It was an absolutely wonderful trip and I got some much needed downtime. I realized part way through the trip as I was attempting to speak French and surrounded by other languages that I’ve let go of a lot of control, especially when it comes to traveling. I remember being in Madrid, Spain and getting lost and wandering through the streets. Madrid is a medieval city and so it is easy to get lost in the tiny twisted streets. I panicked a bit, but then I stopped, had an aperitif, chatted in my really bad Spanish with some locals who directed me back to the main street. From there I was able to find my way back to where I was staying. But that moment of wandering those medieval cobblestone streets in the heat, then sitting and cooling down with a lovely drink, has become a core memory.

Being in Togo and surrounded by French I often lost the thread of the conversation, especially if I was in a group of French speakers. But it was ok. I would pick it up, or get the gist of it and continue on. Even though my French isn’t that great, I still tried. I think people appreciated that I tried. I often got verb tenses wrong, or had to describe something because I couldn’t remember the right word, but the more I tried, the better my French got.

I’m grateful for the experiences I have had while traveling. It has helped me slowly learn to let go of the need to control everything, or over plan everything. I once showed up in Paris at my hotel, but I had booked it for the next night and still needed a place to stay that evening. The hotel was booked up that night, and while I was trying to think of plan b, the hotelier was very kind and called the hotel around the corner and got me a room. Keep in mind this whole conversation happened in French, but I figured it out, with the kind help of a the hotelier.

I remember being annoyed with myself for getting the date wrong, but not feeling panicked. I had faith that some sort of solution would present itself and I’d find a place to stay.

That ability to let it go and not panic when my best laid plans fail, has taken a few years, and some therapy and life coaching. I’ve slowly let go of my need to control things and it has made my life more pleasant, and I’m sure people having to interact and deal with me, would agree it’s made being around me much more pleasant.

Next post, I’ll talk a little bit more about why we have the need to control things and a little bit about what we can do to start letting go.

I carry a vintage camera and people were always interested in how it worked.

Apparently i need to rest

I will admit that I’m a bit of a type ‘A’ personality and I joke that I’ve been working hard to be a little bit more type ‘A-’. I also have that Puritan work ethic ingrained in my bones, so I have to fight against that. But, the Universe is sending a pretty clear signal to me that I should rest at the beginning of this year in order to be able to put my dreams into action.

I received an amazing 2023 Oracle reading from Cait Byrnes (highly recommend you check her out) and the card she pulled for January was “Garden-something lovely will grow from this”. I’m planting seeds now for future joy. But in order to see those seeds to fruition I also need to focus on resting, even if by doing so I seem selfish.

Then I did the ‘Release Resistance’ spread in the Energy Archaeology Oracle (which is gorgeous and so insightful- I can’t recommend it highly enough) and the first card pulled is in answer to the question, “What am I resisting?” I pulled Rest.

Sooooo… Apparently I need to rest.

Yet, I realized that I didn’t know what rest looked like for myself. Some people like to watch movies, but that’s not quite my thing. Is it napping, bubble baths? What is it??

Rest is very different for different people. Your version of rest may actually be a little more active, like taking a walk or a bike ride. 

So I sat down and made a list of the things that are restful and restorative for me. Most of them are quiet introverted type things like: reading, sewing and  weaving. Meditation helps. I love naps, but I’m not good at a quick nap, so I need lazy afternoons to enjoy a nap. I love puttering around the house and decorating or moving things around. 

What does rest look like for you? And how can you incorporate it into your day-to-day?

Going into the new year with a little less pressure

Oh, the New Year. I am sure you are starting to see all the weight loss ads, and new year-new you ads and I am trying really hard to ignore all of them. I think the New Year is a great point to stop and reflect, but not necessarily to set goals. I'm doing a review of 2022 and seeing what worked for me and what I want to bring with me into 2023, and, what I want to leave behind.

I am focusing on how I want to feel in the New Year and I'll start to build out habits and routines to support that.

There's a reason why most people don't go through with and/or keep their New Years intentions. It just doesn't work to set a big goal. You need to understand why that goal is important to you, and be deeply be invested in how it supports you, along with the life you want to build for yourself, your family, and your community.

If you want to explore what you want your New Year to look like and feel like, then schedule a coaching session with me.

back to normal (?)

I stepped away from my career. In fact I had a final interview for a Director job with a big salary and all the things and I was pretty certain they were going to offer me the job and I took myself out of the running. I couldn’t imagine returning back to normal with the long commute, neglecting my health and well-being and being so completely burnt out that I no longer felt joy.

I gave up a lot of things to pursue being a Life Coach, including a stable income and really good benefits. I’m not going to lie, it’s been challenging and my safety net is really tiny. But I’ve gained so much more. I’ve gained a job where I get to help people grow and change. I am able to work from home and avoid the commute. I take a break in the afternoon and go for a walk.

Yet, I notice around me that the world is returning to normal and I’m not sure that is a good thing. Living through a worldwide pandemic has been a horrible experience and I grieve for the lives we lost. Except, we gained some things too. Many of us who commuted gained almost 2-3 hours back each day to do things that are meaningful to us- taking a walk, crafting, reading or spending time with friends and family. I think we all gained a greater appreciation for nature and for our local parks. I know I gained a delightful, slightly chaotic pet bunny named Sweetie. I reconnected with friends. I recuperated and recovered from extreme burnout (which FYI took about 9 months). I started to feel joy again.

I just ask that we consider something we gained and to find a way to hold on to that. We do not have to return to normal. We can craft a way of working and living that better suits us, and no, I’m not advocating that you quit your job, but you can set boundaries around work. You can make the things that light you up a priority and protect that time and space. There’s a reason we are seeing people taking up the ‘quiet resignation’ (which FYI annoys the piss out of me because it’s just doing your job instead of sacrificing your life on the alter of work), because they want something more out of life.

Sometimes we don’t know what that something more is. Sometimes we don’t know how to set boundaries and get people to respect them. Sometimes we are too overwhelmed with life to even figure out the next thing. If any of that resonates with you, then please reach out. I’d love to talk.

How to find focus: In an Out of Focus World

I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had, or I’ve been in the middle of something and just thought Squirrel! It’s an indicator of my brain having gone off track. Try to keep a dog on task when it sees a squirrel and you’ll understand what Squirrel brain is!

I have done a lot of research and work with myself and clients on how to find focus. It is something we are required to do for forty hours a week, and yet we struggle.

One of the key things I’ve learned is that being able to focus has nothing to do with willpower. First off, we live in a world that has been built to pull our focus elsewhere, and secondly, we’ve been taught that multi-tasking is good. News flash-it isn’t.

So what are you supposed to do? Well, you can come to my free webinar FIND YOUR FOCUS IN AN OUT OF FOCUS WORLD on September 15th from 6-6:45PM Central on Zoom.

If you’ve struggled with keeping your mind focused on the task at hand, then this workshop is for you? The good news is our brain is super resilient and can learn new ways of doing things. So, come join us at Finding Your Focus on September 15th at 6PM Central time.

I leave the house…sometimes

Water is my happy place-I’m a Cancer and we are water lovers. Just looking at this picture makes me relax! I went to an amazing nature and journaling event (if you are in Chicago you can check it out here) and I realized that even though I have access to some amazing parks and a whole freaking lake, I haven’t been venturing out as much as I want to.

I’m a bit of an introvert, so home is my happy place, but then you add in a pandemic and I’ll gladly not ever leave the house again. Yet, that isn’t a healthy way for me to live. I was grateful for the reminder to get out and just sit by the water, hear the birds chirping and the wind whispering through the cottonwood trees.

Being in nature goes beyond exercise, it’s a place of rest and restoration for my mind and my body. I’m going to plan some mini-adventures for myself this summer. I’m also excited because I am moving soon to a place where I will be .3 miles from my door to the lake edge (I mapped it out!) and I will be able to sit and enjoy the water year round.

Where’s your happy place?

Ways to Move Towards Body Neutrality

Photo by Monika Kozub on Unsplash

Trying to love your body is super hard. It is especially difficult to do if you are moving from a place of shame or hatred of your body. I struggle with being present and existing in my body, partly because I struggle with the size of my body, but also because I have chronic pain. Being in my body and loving my body is so hard. 

The Body Positivity movement was initially about fighting against the stigma and shame of having a fat body. It carved out a space for fat bodies, and for people of color, who were often not allowed into spaces that advocated for fat bodies, to share their experience and also their joy for their body. 

Yet, like so many things, Body Positivity has been coopted and commercialized. That’s a whole other blog post, but I did want to give a little context for where Body Neutrality came from. And, as I mentioned, it is hard to love on a body that has had so much abuse from society, and internal anger, heaped upon it. 

Which is why I now focus on Body Neutrality. Body Neutrality is about meeting your body where it is and accepting what it can do for you. It focuses more on being present and in your body, instead of looking in a mirror and trying to convince yourself that you love your body. 

I’ve found myself able to accept my body as it is and work on being present in my body. It feels much more accessible to me. I wanted to share my experience with Body Neutrality in a free webinar I am hosting on Friday, June 3rd at 12PM Central time. If you can’t make it at that time, please still register because I will be sending out a replay. 

I will be covering how systems of oppression have impacted different bodies (this includes fat and disabled), talk more about what body neutrality is, give actionable steps to lead you on your path and we will work together to map out a plan. 

I hope to see you there. 

Meditate on the body

Many of you probably clicked away saying ‘oh heck no’! If you are still here, then congratulate yourself for your bravery.

How often do you just pause and notice your body. We go through our days pretty disconnected from our body. We don’t always connect with our body until it sends up a flare saying- “hello there!! I’m in pain”. I think that if we were to do a more frequent body scan we could give our body what it needs. Either a break from the computer, some stretching or maybe a walk.

This can be a very simple exercise. If you are in a public space you can do this with your eyes open. Close your eyes if you feel comfortable, if you are sitting feel the weight of your body sinking into the chair, or if you are standing sometimes a light sway can feel good. Now scan your body from top to bottom. Notice if there are any places that pinch or grumble and breath into them. If it is what your body desires, take three deep belly breaths, or if not just continue to breath normally. Open your eyes if they were closed and move on.

One of the challenges with body image issues is that we are so disconnected with our bodies. In order to get to a point where we accept our bodies, body neutrality, or can begin to love our bodies, we need to be connected to them.

Give your body a little attention each and every day.

how to manage those body image thoughts

Photo credit Dorey Kronick Photography

I love that picture. I was doing the wonder woman pose and feeling positive and laughing. Yet, when I first saw the picture all I could think about is how my body looked. It took me a little bit to recognize how happy and gorgeous I look in that picture and gather up the courage to share it with the world.

If you were to count how many times in a day you have a negative thought about your body or how you look it would probably be astounding. It’s almost shocking how poorly we treat ourselves. I should have just had joy upon seeing the picture my amazing friend Dorey Kronick shot, but instead I criticized myself.

If you like things in video format, here’s an instagram reel I made, or you can read on for more.

One of the first steps to combat those negative body image thoughts is to recognize them. It’s like seeing a fly buzzing around in your brain- oh I see you (I’m currently watching Dickinson on Apple tv, so a little poetic imagery there for you). Watching your thoughts can be extremely powerful because we finally capture how many of those bad thoughts are going through our brain and can now work to reframe them.

The next step is to see is this my thought or is this society’s expectation that I have internalized. There are some extreme societal pressures that exist on many levels but fat-phobia and fat-shaming are pretty epic. In a way it’s a little easier to dismiss those external thoughts. The challenge is we have internalized so many of those beliefs and need to then start working on body neutrality or body acceptance.

The reality is that this is not easy work. I’ve been doing it for some time and still slip into those old thoughts too easily. I credit working with a coach for helping me see that there are other possibilities and other ways to treat and talk to myself. If you are interested in examining those thoughts you can set up a free consultation with me.

While I struggle with body image due to my weight another challenging area, especially when our society is so hyper focused on ability and beauty, are scars or physical disabilities. I wore a skirt, for the first time in forever, to work the other day and a coworker said “OMG what happened to your leg”. I have some pretty odd looking scars where an external fixator attached to my leg after I shattered my fibula and tibia in a car accident twenty years ago. Plus some pretty rough scars around my ankle from where the bone popped out. When she asked the question I had no shame around it, because I was used to it and it is now just a part of who I am. Although, after my car accident I refused to wear skirts or shorts for years. I was so hyper conscious of the scars and I felt disfigured.

It took many years for me to accept those scars of a part of who I was and my life story. I was lucky that they were able to save my leg, but I do have limited mobility and sometimes it is hard to accept this is the body I am in. At the end of the day I am healthy, happy and able to enjoy life, so I’ll take it.

What it means to fear being seen and how to overcome it

Photography by Dorey Kronick

Not to do a bait and switch, but I am not going to answer the question “How to Overcome the Fear of Being Seen” today. Instead I am going to be addressing that question over the next month through blog posts and instagram posts and I hope you will follow along.

There are many reasons why someone may struggle with the fear of being seen. It may be due to disability, body size or body dysmorphia (this can go in both directions: being too thing or being too fat), race, gender, shyness, being an introvert, or being seen as too much or too little. We all have reasons for sometimes wanting to fly below the radar and not put ourselves out into the world.

I have struggled with this in some form my whole life. In my teens and twenties I was painfully shy and extra introverted. Then in my late twenties I was in a car accident that left some pretty gnarly scars on my leg and I refused to wear skirts or dresses for years. I’ve gained and lost more pounds then I can count and often my weight has been a reason why I limited myself from doing things like dating, traveling or going to events. Not liking how my body looked meant that I didn’t want pictures taken of me or I didn’t want to snap a selfie and post it to instagram.

Unfortunately I have had instances that affirm my belief that I shouldn’t be seen. I was once wearing workout clothes and sneakers and going for a walk and someone drove by in their truck and shouted “Move your fat ass!’ I once showed up for a date and we ordered a beer and the guy pretty much slammed it and said goodbye. I wasn’t what he was looking for. Keep in mind we had already had a phone conversation and it wasn’t who I was that he didn’t like. It was the package.

I let those things keep me bottled up for years. It affected my ability to walk outside the house. It made me avoid dating because I just assumed no one would want me because of who I looked like. I wouldn’t wear certain clothes because ‘gasp’ they showed my fat arms. Keep in mind that I move through the world protected and privileged by the color of my skin.

It has taken a bit of therapy and a fabulous life coach to help me reframe my thoughts. That is not to say I am completely healed. I still struggle. In fact, that picture above was caught by my dear friend Dorey Kronick, who I trust, and is an amazing photographer. I look radiant in that picture and I have a genuine smile, and yet, I noticed that you can see my stomach in that picture. I have a little ways to go too.

Beyond therapy and coaching I have read and followed some amazing people who talk about their journey and that I have learned from. I have taken some wonderful courses that helped me get to a place where I can start showing up authentically as myself.

This month I’m going to share my journey and I hope that it helps you be seen in whatever way you want to be so you can show up fully, brilliantly, beautifully and authentically as yourself.